Ask Neycha: Too Through
because advice is one thing you can never get enough of
2008-05-15

Dear Neycha:
I have a bit of a dilemma.  Well it’s not really a dilemma.  In fact, I’m okay with simply ending some relationships (friendships) and never looking back.  It’s just that my husband believes I’m being hasty and should wait until I calm down before making any rash decisions.  Here’s the situation:  My daughter will be graduating from Spelman College in May.  Not all of my family or friends will be able to make the commencement ceremony given prior commitments, living out of town, etc.  I understand that.  But months ago, given this reality, I sent out invitations announcing a party scheduled for this July that my husband and I will be hosting with our neighbors for both our daughters to honor their grand achievement. The invites were sent out well in advance to give people the opportunity to plan ahead and share with us the momentous occasion.  Well plenty of people didn’t even respond.  Others still had reasons for why they could not fit it into their schedules.  Worst of all, friends and family that I have been there for over the years didn’t even so much as send my child a congratulations card, much less a gift.  Who doesn’t know that young people benefit from encouragement and some extra cash to help them transition into the next phase of their life?  To say that I’m disappointed by the demonstrated lack of acknowledgement would be a huge understatement.  I am simply finished with fake people.  Do you agree with my husband that I am being hasty?  Am I wrong?

-Too Through, Atlanta, GA

Dear Through:
I understand why you feel the early stings of disappointment with your friends and family for what you describe as their “demonstrated lack of acknowledgement”, but remember, TT,  it ain’t over til the fat lady sings.  It is quite possible, in fact, very likely that many of those who you’ve not heard from are still planning to either attend the July celebration for your daughter or send a gift.  It’s only mid-May as I write to you and it was no later than early May when I received your letter.  That was pretty soon to be at the point where you were ready to hand out pink slips firing all the folks in your life you hadn’t heard from.  Your husband has a point in calling you hasty.

I would encourage you to remember that there are any numbers of factors that have potentially influenced the slow response from people – least among them our tendency to be slow on the RSVP side.  The dragging economy, high cost of fuel, and the financial instability of many families is surely playing some part in determining who can and cannot afford to fly, drive or send a gift.  It’s also important to remember that other people have lives too – problems they must confront, transitions they must navigate, small accomplishments they seek to honor and celebrate in their everyday lives.  The world doesn’t pause to give nod to the significant things in our lives – catastrophic or spectacular.  It keeps on keeping on like most people, who for the most part – LIKE YOU – are consumed by their own lives and what they deem important.  It takes time to pay attention.  Although most people, even with the extraordinary demands of their own lives, are in a process of trying to get it right across the gamut of their own life and the lives of all they care about.

Be careful about holding expectations, TT.  They give rise to a false view of human nature and they spank merciless those that hold them in the first place.  Unless you enjoy self-served disappointment, stop expecting people to be who you believe they should be.  It will free them, and, Lovey it will free you to give all your attention to the dazzling moments in your life like your daughter’s graduation from Spelman.  Neither you, nor your daughter need the acknowledgement of friends and family to make her phenomenal accomplishment the true hallmark it is. I truly hope you will not allow the drama of your expectations to kill the delicious moment that is your daughters to enjoy.   In the words of Bob Marley, “Just Cool”!

 

Rejected

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