Negro Law
can celebrities adopt us?
2007-09-28
By Patrice Evans

What will the world be like in 10-20 years?  When we have perspective to look back on the Great African-Baby Gold Rush of '06-07? Will history fondly remember these fair baby mamas?  Or has the ugly face of racism simply taken on the most becoming of disguises?

Seems like it was only 10-20 years ago when many of us were brazenly scoffing at Caucasians at cocktail parties.  "Whatever!" we exclaimed. "They may talk a good game, but it's not like any of them are taking care of some stinky old dark baby in Africa."

And look at them now: Madonna!  Angelina! The girl from Weeds!  All as kind, and benevolent, and skinny as Mr. Drummond himself.

In the slightly altered words of the old Negro spiritual theme song "Different Strokes":

A [wo]man is born, a [wo]man of means,
Then along come three, they ain't even got no jeans…
But they got …
Mel-a Nin
It takes
Mel-a Nin
It takes
Mel-a Nin
To move the world…
Mmmmmmmm

So first and foremost we should rejoice. We exclaimed and joked, and they, the Caucasian celebrity, listened. And now a little child who had nothing is getting to live the good life.

Most of us can relate to that fantasy.  Especially those of us who came up "in the struggle."  We can reminisce on the days of Different Strokes and Webster and, with moist eyes, remember when we couldn't help but wish a rich white person would walk into our project and save us from the destitute wackness of poverty.

(That was kind of how I felt when I got my acceptance letter from the private prep school Choate Rosemary Hall. I looked at my grandfather and thought, "Haha sucker! Enjoy the roaches, beeotch!")

It's a sweet deal these African babies get, but if we look 10-20 years ahead, there's a potentially darker side.
This may have all started with good intentions, but anything can be tainted once the cold hand of commerce gets a grip on it.  I can see The Gap using the stars and their babies to sell mock turtlenecks and other urban-homogenous tepidwear. Wal-Mart will surely have some generic mass produced American knock-off version of African babies. And is there any question Steve Jobs will get in on this faster than you can say African-Baby Nano? I once posted what now appears to be prophecy on the coming of iNigs that would give a whole new ring to the term "early adopters."

But jokes aside, if we're invested at all in the notion of a race united by melanin, then the African babies matter.  They're part of the PR campaign each race/culture wages 24-7/365.  And to that end, image and presentation matter as well.  There's a legitimate toll to consistently being seen in the coon-dependent position all the time. There is a legitimate difference in the pathology of being seen "having" a child and "saving" a child.

Like the war on terror, the war on racism is a different sort of war. We don't need to bomb or invade Jena Louisiana.  A noose is material, superficial, like bling around the neck.  That's not the real enemy we're fighting.  What we're working on now is internal; smoothing over the psychological and spiritual imprint left on our hearts and minds from being stepped on for years and years. And in some respect, celebrities adopting black-babies slows that process down.

Personally, I think for now we should take it on a case-by-case basis. I have no beef with Madonna, Jolie, or Mary Louise Parker. They're pretty much perfect.  But we shouldn't be lulled to sleep because a lot of these "crazebrities" will surely be jumping on the bandwagon. Will you be surprised when you see Paris Hilton  with one in her pocketbook next to Teacup?  Or Britney  humping another at her next show??

So we could prevent that, and put an ixnay on it now.  You know how we do: get a march together, turn the flames up high, "Why the girl on Weeds gotta be the one to get an African baby???  That's messed up, yo!"

Or we can let it play out, and hope all the new, better-looking Mr. Drummonds out there don't do anything too silly with their iNigs.

Here's the move: Negroes should start adopting little white babies.  I guess we'd need Africans scooping them up if we want to keep it real.  But it'd be a start.  Oprah, Tyra, and Beyonce should go hold that down for us.  How cute would that be? Beyonce and  Jay-Z get married and then SAVE some poor little white girl in Nebraska.  *Awwwwwwww*

That's it. Adopting White is the new Adopting Black.  That would take the edge off the whole situation. Otherwise, the jury has to remain out ...

Of course I'm just one negro,  what say the rest of ye?

Can celebrities adopt us?

Patrice Evans (aka The Assimilated Negro) is a writer, blogger and EbonyJet.com contributor whose work has appeared in Gawker, Time Out New York and The New York Times. His blog is www.theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com.